Am I Sick?

Fuck. Woke up this morning with a fucked up feeling in my throat. I didn’t drink enough beer to be fucked up enough to sleep with my mouth agog, nor did I smoke anything to make it hurt from simply smoking. Fuck. I might be sick. What the fuck? I feel fine otherwise.

I had been talking with a software engineer on a dating app. She had reschedule our lunch date earlier in the week so I was dubious about this one actually going through. I message her asking if we’re still on and receive the message I expected. Apparently she’s still interested but burnt out from work. That’s ok with me. I gave her an easy out and said it’s ok if she’s simply not feeling it then left it open ended in case she does feel like it in the future. I don’t have the energy for that kind of shit anymore. My unfriendly ex definitely hardened me. Talking about it with my business partner, we realized that she’s “cold” not necessarily unfriendly. Just bitter, cold, and jaded to the world. I think that’s why I found it so satisfying making her laugh and seeing her smile at absurd stuff I did. That’s no basis for a relationship though. However I do miss parts of her… well one part in particular.

Speaking of which, I accidentally messaged her the other day. I was reaching out to a person that plays with one of my bands from time to time and their names are one letter off with the same initials. I see the initials when sharing a Soundcloud playlist and hit send… fuck! damnit. Shit. This probably seems like some intentional shit to try and make contact with her. Couldn’t be further from the truth, and of course it happens after I’ve become resolute that I really don’t care to be with her whatsoever anymore. I’m pretty good at fucking up.