Paranoia & Alcohol

It’s no secret that not drinking alcohol makes you feel better overall. A pretty fucking big, “duh, don’t put depressants in your body that dehydrate the shit out of you and make you say and do ridiculous shit.”

The other day there was a celebration for a venue that I absolutely love. My workday was just me and my business partner going over internal stuff and talking strategy. So it was a pretty easy day that lent itself to drinking followed quickly by drinks at the venue, a practice, then back to more drinks at the venue. Wound up staying out later than I should considering I had to work the following day.

I’ve tied them on in my time. I mean, really, really tied them on in the past and even in the semi-recent future, sometimes in front of a large audience. But lately I’ve been getting the depression usually reserved for the hangover the next day towards the end of the evening. I’ve been going to sleep upset with myself and dour with all life around me when I drink.

I spent almost all of yesterday being a piece of shit. Couldn’t focus enough to get any work done, didn’t care enough to shower, didn’t have any motivation to do any exercise, really nothing at all. I wasn’t even absorbing anything playing on my TV in the background nor anything I was scrolling through on my phone. I felt like a blank vessel. This made communication take literally all of my energy. I wound up napping in and out all day hating myself. This was directly caused to drinking the night before.

I’m not sure if it’s the actual drug of alcohol itself or behavior influenced by alcohol, but there is a direct correlation to my mood, weight, and activity level based on my alcohol patterns. More booze = more bad feelings and bad habits. It’s a shitty pattern.

Now, the obvious solution would be, “don’t drink, don’t get shitty prizes.” However I’m pretty afraid of not drinking. I am confident around my bandmates and close friends, but when it comes to dealing with new people, alcohol is a major component of what makes me feel comfortable and sociable. What about dating? That’s going to be awkward as fuck without alcohol. I have to stop drinking if I’m going to make a permanent solution to this, but I’m very afraid of what I’ll be like without it. Assumedly, it can’t be worse than me while drinking, right?

So far the changes I’ve been making that have largely stuck for the last couple months were planned out. I planned to quit smoking, I planned to begin exercise, I planned to change eating habits, and so far those have stuck. I have an upcoming family event and I’m going to want to drink fancy tequila with my cousins. After this family gathering, I’m going to call off booze for good, other than planned out events. There’s still situations where I’m hanging out with friends or camping that I don’t fucking hate myself from drinking and those I’d like to keep. Also hard and fast rules for anything but nicotine are not for me.