Productivity & Inspiration

I have neither of these things right now. I suppose that objectively I am making forward progress on projects at an acceptable rate and the work being done isn’t wholly uninspired drivel. So maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.

Life is kinda fucking boring without intoxicants constantly coursing through my system in one way or another. The highs while drinking and the lows after drinking are almost a welcome distraction from what’s been a pretty hum-drum last few days.

Work has been nominal. A lunch date that seemed really interested in me the other night cancelled on me last minute, but attempted to reschedule immediately. I tried to simply converse afterward and she didn’t get back. Who knows what’ll happen there. Not sure if it’s just me or if it’s the nature of dating at this time in general, but this is pretty common. Kind of shitty. I’ve had a few people be blunt and say they’re not interested one way or another. I admire that. I don’t do this for other people, so maybe it’s time to start paying it forward?

I was chatting with an old friend that was going through a difficult breakup. She asked me, “Is there any of your exes that you’d ever get back with?” and there is one. I cheated on her when I was like 19 and she didn’t deserve anything like that and it was a humongous fuck up on my behalf. Today is her birthday. We’ve since reconciled (she graciously forgave me) and chat from time to time. In the spirit of open communication, I wished her a happy birthday and we briefly chatted. Found out she left her partner of like 12 years. They just got sick of each other. I get that completely. I’m by no means going to try to get together with her, but it did make me feel ok later this evening to offer my phone number and to talk whenever she’d like. She was surprisingly amenable. We did spend a couple of our teenage years on the phone together so talking would be a great piece of nostalgia. She has this accent that I’m looking forward to hearing again. If I don’t though, then I’ll be ok.

After work and while I was making dinner, I had a few beers. “I wanted to challenge myself,” is what I’d say if I were making an excuse. Really the urge to drink was so fucking strong I just gave in. My big reason for not wanting to drink is how it drags me down the days after and the dumbass choices I make while drinking like texting people I’m dating ignorant shit. I’m definitely missing that dopamine and oxytocin hit that I’ve been procuring through ill-gotten methods–or at least through less than scrupulous methods that have hurt people in the past. Alcohol kinda fills that void. It gets me talking. I talked with my kids for over an hour about stuff going on in their life and got a little bit more of a handle of where they’re at mentally. We’ve been going to shows together and stuff, but that’s not really getting to know each other time. Honestly, alcohol assisted in this quite a bit. I have a pretty big concern with still leaning on alcohol for these things.