Schedule Yo Yo

I didn’t sleep last night. Other than the long nap, I’m not sure why. I have a highly pressing data migration task as my last duties before abandoning my old company for good. It’s a bittersweet thing. I’m going to miss my old business partner a lot. He makes me laugh very, very hard, I find him insanely inspiring, and he’s one of the most progressive humans I’ve ever met. There’s a lot to admire about him. My new business partner has a lot of disdain for him. He has a strong personality so I understand simply butting heads. But I had the pleasure of working with and learning from him for 3 years that I’ll always greatly cherish. Despite this being a huge transitional phase that was fraught with a lot of depression and anxiety, I’m feeling really thankful today for my experience at my old company and what it taught me.

This somewhat transformed feeling towards my old company gave me some rejuvenation and really boosted my overall sense of well being. My most recent ex that really threw me for a loop days before popped into my head and my feelings toward her turned to spite. Closing down my business was one of the hardest things I’ve had to endure on my own. I thought I had a partner during it, but she really sucked. She doesn’t listen when I talk then complains when I’m upset and disassociating. So I’m pretty sure I’m over any semblance of her in my life. Don’t want to get back to the questioning again and have another real shit day or week or worse.

There’s an event I was supposed to be a part of this weekend and the director of the event had been commiserating with me about the pangs of setting up an event and all the minutiae that goes into it. I was suggesting pushing the date back and she was agreeing. So she did it, notified everyone. Then went back to doing a smaller version of the show this Friday. Damn. With my workload I was really looking forward to not having this show on my docket of shit to do.

I had a moderate feeling of celebration coursing through me today. I was craving a drink so fucking bad. So bad that craving alcohol made me want to smoke. Luckily my cigarette cravings are almost nothing, but it’s there. Not much different than something like, “boy, it’d be nice to have sex right now” — I don’t have to go out and have sex immediately, just a passing thought of something that sounds “nice.” I am noticing that my attention has taken a hit from not smoking. Before, I’d focus on smoking then once I had the first few drags of the cigarette down, I could refocus on whatever I was working on. I would get some of my best ideas during this time, actually. I want to find a way to get this back without needing to smoke.