Sanctimonious Twat
Day 5 or something not smoking now. I don’t feel edgy in regards to situations or especially snappy at people. However there’s one person I’m working with in this production. He’s a sanctimonious twat. My first interaction with him was him cancelling a rehearsal for some reason or another, so they rescheduled in the text thread for a couple days later in the afternoon. Turns out that afternoon I had to move my office and I get the apex of blind fucking arrogance. He had the gall to call me out for being “occupied” and not prioritizing rehearsal. The same twat that cancelled two nights before with a week’s advance notice.
This is a trait of those that get a good handful of experience quick: these people think they know absolutely everything and try to control those of us that have practical experience over a much longer time and talk down to us. This sanctimonious twat said just tonight, “I’ve done a lot of rehearsals and we should stop playing for a moment.” What the fuck does that mean? Why bother saying how many rehearsals you’ve done? The fuck is wrong with you, you sanctimonious little twat? It’s one thing to say, “Hey, this is my preference,” but it’s a different story when it’s phrased like, “You don’t know what you’re doing, so shut up.” But luckily I think everyone in the room was also like… uh… the fuck? So that felt a little validating.
This was the first time I got legitimately pissed and felt like, “fuck, I would step outside for a cigarette right now.” Holy hell humans are hard to deal with. I think I’m going to have to confront him, make him feel small (or at least let him know I view him as small), and come to some sort of mutual compromise. Can’t continue with this acrimony and I really want to participate in this production. The rest of everyone involved is absolutely wonderful and the stink between us should be cleared up or at least acknowledged enough to be respectfully ignored.
I am noticing spikes in energy. Pretty sure it’s mostly from not smoking and having a significant amount more oxygen in my bloodstream. Might also be getting the stronger nose back also, but can’t exactly tell yet. Things are a little foggy and kind of brain-zappy, but the good times feel really good. I had a couple hard crashes today and had to go down. They definitely felt like narcolepsy as they were uncontrollable and were preceded with a slight feeling of nausea and cold waves rushing through my body. Each time was preceded by a pretty strong sense of depression, but the depression began to pass as I laid down and I could rationalize away anything my brain is trying to throw at me.
Going forward I’m not entirely sure what limiting alcohol, eliminating nicotine, and confronting my social anxiety will look like. I don’t like most people out in the world and without my crutches, I’m not sure that I can hide it. But maybe not hiding is is who I am? Fuck it, letting loose.