Inching Forward

Another day of waking up far too early. Decided to be an adult and make a meal plan and do grocery shopping.

I’m beginning to dread quitting smoking. I can’t pinpoint on why this is other than simple addiction. But there’s likely a lot of reasons. Smoking is a way I can bond with other outsiders (pun intended) as well as a way I can escape a situation with too many people to be by myself. A little way to live in my own filth cloud that nobody else wants to penetrate so I get left alone. Without smoking, how can I break up my day? Context switching or needing to think through a problem, a cigarette is a great little distraction that helps facilitate these things I do multiple times a day.

But it’s fucking gross. After 25 years of smoking, I’m finally getting the gross, daily shit like the persistent wet cough, the morning cough, the fog when I wake up from nicotine the previous day, thick blood, and my skin is finally starting to get visibly shittier. My fucking skin! It’s been the one thing that’s worked and looked well on my body throughout my life.

Every time I go to smoke a cigarette, my anxiety ramps up a little bit and my depression increases just a little bit. All these little bits have started to fucking add up and soon it’ll be time to take drastic action. Wish me luck as quitting smoking also has its host of issues while nicotine detoxes from my body, but I’ll save that for a much more detailed post in the future.