Building this Site amid Life

I’m in a pretty odd stage in my life. As we get older we like to think that we have some sort of  knowledge regarding our path ahead. Right? Some sort of specific goal we’re actively working towards, getting more predictable outcomes from typical activities. What I’ve been doing is only a slight aberration from my normal tasks of work, cook, practice, clean house, then repeat, but it’s apparently different enough to completely cloud the road in front of me.

Waking up, I had almost completely forgotten about the routine of working out and stretching. Once it dawned on me, I almost had a feeling of dread. But I slogged through and actually ended up feeling really great. This gave me a little bit of hope and stoked the quit-smoking inspiration that I really needed. Of course that shit went out the window a short while later and I smoked another cigarette.

Had rehearsal with my favorite band tonight. We had some shows planned for out of town at the end of the month, however those now need to be cancelled. Our drummer (possibly the most integral part of our band’s sound) fucked up his shoulder and has extremely limited mobility and stamina. While it’s shitty we have to cancel our shows at the end of the month due to medical reasons, it’s not all bad. We’re all basically best friends, or at least each other’s favorite friends, so we’re going to make it work. We decided to workshop a feature-length movie we can shoot in the meantime as well as some other workarounds regarding the music. It’ll be a fun journey, but a complete departure from anything we’ve done in our nearly decade as a band.

My kids are gone and I’m as single as can be right now. Not that being physically alone is a strange thing for me: I’ve worked a lot of late nights alone, work alone during the day, and often take time to myself even in a relationship or when my kids are here. However it’s a little strange to not be beholden to someone else. Nobody will really give a shit if I don’t text them back tonight. Nobody’s trying to Facetime me and get my attention.

Handling my transition between finishing old contracts with my old, closing company and managing to muster a new workflow and therefore work with the company I’m joining has been a struggle for time. Like, the timing is off. As I’m waiting on one thing from one company, I’m simultaneously waiting for another from the other company. This has left me with my hands doing nothing, so I find myself toiling and toiling at this site during my awkward downtimes. This is causing me to basically only focus on building out The Portly Man.

Day-to-day, I’m doing the same old shit. But it’s just so slightly different in all the right places that I don’t particularly know what to do with myself. I’m planning on staying this course for at least a couple months as I’ve felt good (or at least better) over the last couple days since initiating this new concept of The Portly Man.

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually had time to focus on things for myself. Building out this site has been therapeutic in its own right. It allows me to be introspective in a way that isn’t full of self deprecation or depressive thoughts. And thus far there’s palpable progress being recorded — at the very least the anecdotal effect is making me feel better for the time being. Now I sit here writing out this bullshit and shirking my house duties and lingering work tasks.  Fuuuuuck, I guess I can write up a meal plan and grocery list like a real adult. I just don’t wanna.