Starting or Ending?

Yesterday was really fucking hard. I woke up after having some solid sleep for once. I had a little spring in my step as I remembered the conversation with my now open-relationship girlfriend (really need to come up with a better name than that for her) and how well she was there for me yesterday when I was going through all that depressive shit. I still feel a little beat down, but I am actually pretty excited and happy moving forward.

I have some sincere, extreme work pressure happening. I have a lot of work to wrap up over the weekend before shit implodes. Luckily I really like the client and it should go pretty smooth. Just a lot of work to do at any rate and I am putting it off for some reason. I’ll be jumping onto it right after this though.

It slipped my mind yesterday to even mention because it felt so relieving sloughing it off, however I put the ball completely into my not-so-friendly-ex’s court. I let her know that her lack of communication was really unfortunate and simple communication could have avoided all the unpleasantness that we’ve ever experienced. Then she began back-pedaling a little bit stating about how she’d still definitely like to stay friends and things of that nature. My point persisted, if she ever wants anything from me, she can reach out and let me know her intent. Until then, I’m going to live my life like she’s not in it at all. That was really relieving. It was almost like removing a gangrene limb. There’s some despair of loss, but there’s also a joy or removing something infected and allowing recovery to begin. I’m excited for the recovery process. Dealing with her and her lack of communication in conjunction of incensed outbursts has brought back some of my stress rash — that and some additional work stress also, she’s not completely to blame.

It’s come to my attention reading through these that I do have an issue of codependency and need validation through relationships. I think this is way more common than many people give it credit for. We’re part of a movie generation wherein the romances usually work out despite all odds, the good guys eventually win, and love always finds a way. This is bullshit. That’s definitely the exception, not the rule. People want escapism through entertainment, not an echoing of it — that’s some art bullshit and nobody likes that past their angsty phase. Give me some escape from reality, for fuck’s sake. But we wind up expecting movie story line behaviors out of these people we surround ourselves with and wind up disappointed. In movies and TV shows we don’t see those boring-ass in-between moments lasting days, weeks, and eventually months. That shit is BORING to watch, just like regular life can be boring or monotonous; but these are the times I crave. I love having a person nearby while I’m creating shit and propelling myself into a creative karoshi. Taking a small break here and there to give a kiss, talk about what they’re working on, and back to it. My ex wife was really good at this for a long time of our marriage and it’s this kind of intimacy that I crave again and haven’t been able to nail down with anybody since.

Another thing that added a little pep to my day was getting out of the shower, putting on an undershirt and noticing that my figure has gone significantly down. It felt really fucking good to see some progress after a few weeks at this. Then I noticed how my jeans were fitting me and I went back to feeling dumpy again as they’re kinda loose and weird in a few areas. Kinda awkward on my lower half which is a new thing for me as my top half has always been my concern. Hoping this is just an awkward transitionary period and my next pants (when I can finally afford them) will be fine. The pants will be fine.