It’s Time?

I’ve been feeling oddly down despite seeming to be really nailing dating, sex, and some other things that I’ve been working to wrangle. Somehow I’m unhappy as shit about all of this. I feel run-down and feel exhausted more than usual. This is a familiar exhaustion, however having some physical improvements it doesn’t feel quite the same. I feel less trapped in my own misery and that there’s some way out.

When I get to feeling downtrodden, my sleep patterns get screwed. I tend to sleep in longer increments, but at irregular times. It’d be great to have some normal semblance of a sleep schedule. I have it from time to time then I tend to go off the rails a bit.

I had an afternoon date with my most recent ex girlfriend. I am now concerned that I’m setting some expectation or some sort of promise of a relationship, meanwhile it appears like she also really wants something again but is hesitant for a reason she won’t tell me. This is wildly upsetting as the lack of communication is the whole reason I have issues with getting back together and want to find an actual partner. We wound up texting back and forth through the night and it finally came back full circle when it got to talking about how she wants to get a new place of her own. I brought up the fact that I offered my house and a similar argument/resentment from our relationship came up. I want a partner living with me. This is honestly the best way I can consistently spend quality time with someone. Also two adult incomes under one roof? Yes fucking please. But she’s not interested in living with me for only one legitimate reason: she doesn’t want to live with my kids. To paint a picture of this, my oldest is 17.5 years old now and has one year left of high school. My youngest is over 15 and has strong desires to not be in school, so he wants to travel to some exchange student program or maybe drop out early and do trade school or something. So realistically I have 18 or so months with children living with me. Eighteen fucking months! That’s nothing. But too much for her. And that really seals it for me mentally. I feel ok letting go of her now. It’s not a good fit and that sucks, because physically she is probably the most perfect partner I’ve ever had — and I actually believe her when she echoes the same back to me.

I strongly feel that exercise is helping me plow through this sea of negative feeling bullshit and not shut down. This is kind of a new feeling having myself as my own support system. The lack of nicotine has affected this also somehow, but I’m unsure how. My cravings for smoking have been subsiding in the moment-to-moment times, however there are much larger situations when craving some facet of a cigarette becomes all encompassing. The Insufferable Twat I spoke of a while ago would not shut the hell up on drums, meanwhile stopping to complain, “I don’t know what’s going on?” No shit, fuck-o. You won’t shut the fuck up at all while we discuss the arrangement and cues. I actually got a vulgar shiver up my back that was the hardest cigarette craving I’ve had to date. I almost literally ran out the fucking door but stopped myself and let the craving grow as I kind of dissociated and stared off.

Eventually the nicotine craving went away after a minute or two and everything went back to normal. Afterward I actually felt a little stronger and better for not succumbing. These minor victories of self importance have been pretty awesome.

My friendly ex is coming over tomorrow morning to just hang out and cuddle. I absolutely love these times when she comes over. It rarely develops into anything sexual even and it’s just us holding each other and being comfortable. Our genuine love and affection feels amazing. This definitely outshines any other kind of relationship trait that perseveres: showing that you’re still comfortable in your partner’s arms. Sex ebbs and flows in all relationships. Physical attraction has its moments, and annoyances are often temporary. Getting back to the roots of, “I’m so happy to be holding you right now,” keeps everything going. I had that with my wife for many years, then in the last couple tried desperately to get that back and it had gone away completely. That’s truly heartbreaking when that closeness goes away.

I know that I had mentioned needing to pivot back to a health conversation, and I think that I am overall. Discussing my relationships and interpersonal reactions are a direct result of how I’m handling and interpreting all these changes that I’m working toward. If using better health isn’t for improving our overall life and experiences, then what’s the point?