“I fucked up, didn’t I?”

I have had a whirlwind of a past few days. Early on, I had written that I was going to reach out to my most recent ex girlfriend and try to just hang out and have a conversation with her. I ended up getting the gall to do that a couple nights ago. She emphatically agreed to meet up that night for dinner at a place we used to go to a lot. This was her suggestion. I would have preferred some new ground neither of us have been to much, but oh well. We went there a lot because it’s good food. I already wrote about this experience though, so let’s skip ahead a little bit and navigate between a couple different story lines. Buckle the fuck in.

Energy Levels (Physical)

Exercising regularly is yielding amazing results. Coupled with no smoking for over a week now, my energy levels are higher than ever. I’ve also been able to have sex again like a teenager. Going between my most recent ex and my friendly ex, I’ve been put to the test and by-and-large passed. It’s an amazing boost to my self esteem. Also, the size difference and muscular definition that’s happening after a few weeks of exercise and regular cardio has made me quite a bit more comfortable in my own body. This is such a humongous shift for me not actively hating myself at every lump, curve, and thought. Needless to say this has boosted my confidence significantly.

After having the “Breakthrough” night a couple days ago, I’ve been communicating in higher frequency with my friendly ex about more serious things like how we feel about each other and how we like having each other in our lives. It’s actually gotten pretty hot and romantic with how we have been affectionate towards each other. Of course the sex part is intimate but we both crave just holding each other, watching something, laughing about something, whatever it may be so long as we are together and curled up on some comfortable surface. This is my dream day with my partner. Throw in some food and a drive to somewhere with loud music to grab something to aid in our food and lounging, then back to comfortable/no clothes cuddling and being lazy; there you have exactly what I want to have with my partner. Unfortunately my friendly ex only has the cuddling part down with me. We couldn’t be more different with food and she absolutely hates being outside among the living. I get that, but I need that experience to really appreciate being inside. She is a really amazing woman working through near crippling anxiety, but not next wife material, and that’s ok.

Energy Levels (Emotional)

My friendly ex and I had a conversation that came to a head this morning. We finally outed everything. I admitted that I really care for her a ton and she’s a totally different person in many ways since we first dated a couple years ago. But I don’t think I can be a perfect partner for her. She actually agreed and wanted to suggest basically an open relationship. She doesn’t want to slow down anything that we’ve been doing and she wants to continue dating and learning more about herself. I’m down for this, although being in an “open relationship” is kind of weird. We haven’t formalized that term between us yet so we’ll see how this shakes out.

Last night, my most recent ex asked me out again for dinner, drinks, and the promise of a roommate-free house. I agreed this time, although in my head I had some misgivings. It was beginning to crystalize that maybe she had extra interest above just connecting and maybe getting laid. We had a pretty nice evening, laughing, making fun of people, getting loud, playing with her dogs, playing with each other, and an overall great time. After one of our sessions last night, she looks down at me longingly and says, “I fucked up, didn’t I?” I was taken aback because this is pretty affronting honesty. She couldn’t handle me while I was going through serious shit and wild uncertainty in my life and couldn’t be my pillar, partner, or anybody other than somebody that I felt beholden to live up to an unknown set of standards that I was obviously failing at. That shit hurt for months. A slow but hot burning ache like magma cresting through the mantle and shifting everything above in unpredictable ways. Her breaking it off was the most merciful and kind thing that she did for the last half of our relationship. And now she says “I fucked up, didn’t I?” Is this expecting forgiveness, expressing remorse, attempting to diffuse some “elephant in the room?” I was at a complete loss, but feeling no reason to candy coat anything. So I responded with, “I think so,” then got up and started putting my clothes on. She asked me to stay over and I politely declined. In my head I was thinking, “fuck no, not going to sleep and cuddle with you overnight. You forfeited this privilege and said these moments you could ‘take or leave’ which really sucked because that was the only time I felt kind of cared about by you.” I’m still harboring some resentment and I think I’m enjoying the power of being able to live my life better like I have been, working smarter and not harder, and building communication skills — all while stringing her along like I feel she strung me along feigning emotion and connection.

The Future (from the Past)

This afternoon I am going to talk with my childhood playmate and my first ever “girlfriend” — and I’m really concerned it’s some Amway/MLM bullshit. Otherwise why would a pretty lady want to talk to me? Oh yeah, I’m kind of a catch I guess.