Lazy Ass

Today was spent almost exclusively in bed. I didn’t even get a chance to make it through a single episode of any show while laying on my ass.

After the show last night, I was beat. I didn’t want to make anything so I ordered Taco Bell. That fucked my world up. I was up early in the morning, vomiting harder than I have in months. It was terrible. Everything I had eaten simply back up. This is my first time vomiting since quitting smoking. It used to be that when I would vomit like this that I would get speckles of burst blood vessels all throughout my face. These would stick around for a few days making my face look blotchy.

In the afternoon when I started getting up and around a little bit I noticed that I had no evidence of any spots on my face! Holy shit. Quitting smoking has some really awesome effects. I examined my face for a while and saw a couple very small patches of these spots around the corners of my eye and some behind my ear. But they were gone by the time I went to bed. It’s pretty rad having regular blood again, not the black fucking goo from a low-budget slasher film.

I woke up with some regrets and overall ill mental feelings. I know I didn’t do anything untoward or message anybody offensive stuff (which has happened a lot in the past). The night before my bestest friend–that I haven’t gotten a lot of chances to hang out with or communicate with very well recently–showed up right after I got done playing. This is pretty typical of his fashion though, he lives in his own time zone. Me and our mutual bandmates have accepted this and moved on. I’ve been sensing some separation from him lately and he has been too. I woke up to a nice message from him about how he misses me and is excited to work together on Monday and spend a full day just hanging and getting shit done. That took a bunch of the edge off everything else I was being dour on myself for the day/night before.

This drove home the correlation between my depression, suicidal ideation, and alcohol. It is a massive depressant in so many ways. For me it really affects my mental wellness almost immediately. Which really sucks because while I’m drinking my confidence is through the fucking roof. I suppose it only stands to reason that it would be followed by massive lows; kind of like taking MDMA or other drugs that tap into your serotonin and drain it to near death. Alcohol triggers that for me. I don’t think it’s a physical thing alcohol is doing to my receptors, rather how it makes me feel otherwise allows for the overuse of serotonin. I’m probably not unique in this regard as I’ve drank with some real charmers that rival my level of sophistication.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that alcohol takes away my desire to smoke marijuana. Not only while I’m drinking, but also during the hangover and recovery time it’s almost like I want to hate myself. I have no desire to smoke pot at all when I’m hungover and depressed. That’s so strange because I consciously know that pot makes me basically ignore my depression and move past it. But when I’m in that state I have zero desire to do anything good for myself. So I laid in bed all fucking day. Started watching things. Kind of hating myself. Half excusing my behavior as a “I did a lot and deserve a rest.” And that was exactly it… It kinda snapped me out of my bullshit and I felt ok just resting. I did have a hell of a fucking week, I made it out alive, I made it out more positive, and nobody needed shit from me all fucking day… mostly. Feeling like shit from fast food, hating myself for drinking, moshing all night the night before, I needed that rest.

I had to cancel a meeting with a special lady I had a riding-towards-serious fling with a couple years ago. A relationship didn’t pan out between us for a couple reasons that I won’t get into now. But if her and I keep talking like we have been, it’ll likely come out in an upcoming post.