Eating Habits

I’m currently a fat guy, as the title to this blog implies. I hate my body. I get uncomfortable catching glimpses of myself in the mirror. I’m pretty uncomfortable having sex with all my clothes off. To bypass my body insecurity, alcohol has always been a staple. It also “makes me” charismatic enough to get laid in the first place, so hand in hand. But then there’s hangovers which stoke even more depression. And so thrives the cycle of depression. Throughout this cycle, I find myself not wanting to eat, then binge eating when I get to the point of starving, getting tired immediately after eating, then uncontrollably (partially due to my diagnosed narcolepsy) falling asleep.

A few years back before the names became buzzwords, I was  on a version of the “keto” and “paleo” diets. It wasn’t long before I started feeling better and I had visible size results in as quick as a month. My wife did it alongside with me and this was a humongous help. Having somebody in your corner going through what you are is immensely helpful. Unfortunately, she ended up basically living with the carb flu for months while we were on this diet. This was 7+ or so years ago in my early 30’s, but the fact that something worked is giving me hope today. This radical diet/lifestyle change permanently altered my eating choices and how I look at food.

Now that I’m embarking on a new health journey (hopefully one that sticks) I am looking back at what has worked, what I objectively know is bad (smoking cigarettes & drinking), and vigilantly reading labels for hidden sugars, shitty oils, and unnecessary additives.* There’s a big part of me that’s concerned this is just a distraction and the next time I fall for somebody this shit is going to go out the window. I definitely don’t want to nix the concept of falling in love because being somebody’s partner is a big goal of mine. I’m trying like hell to not dive into anything or re-initiate anything with anyone, but I’m not entirely sure I can help it. To cope and do my best of getting the best of both worlds (self-care and health maintenance vs being in a relationship) I’ve been very open about the journey I’m embarking on and my current insecurities.

There’s a big concern about the “end game” that I don’t have sussed out. I’m a planner and like to know the eventual end-goal or deadline as soon as possible in the timeline. Starting this journey I know I need to lose weight, but once I get this gut off me am I then going to have that same passion shifted to shaping abs and never be satisfied because I’m not cut like a CK model? In reality, I know I’m never going to be model status and that’s ok. I just don’t want to become so body obsessed that it begins to overtake relationships like I’ve allowed my work to do way too many times in the past.

So what in the fuck am I doing about this today?

  • Eliminating wheat from diet — but I still have some food that I don’t want to go to waste, so I’m winding down with things like my shrimp burritos and occasional chips and salsa
  • Eliminated artificial sugars**
  • Snack on fruit instead of salty things
  • Plan meals more intentionally and force myself to do them
  • Take more trips and get fewer things at the grocery store

It’s a handful of steps that have required an odd amount of changes in my day-to-day living. I’ve realized that I really don’t have all the fucking time in the world and I need to stop cramming my days full of shit and be constantly behind. Working towards smaller goals and only planning for the next day or two at most has made this not feel like torture.

Luckly, I’ve been really inspired. Doing this blog helps a lot. Tracking what I do is helping. Listening to my body and having deep, existential conversations has been really helping. So even though the future is wildly unclear, it seems approachable for once.

Fuck expectations.

* I am not anti-science and understand the importance of some additives, however many of these can be avoided by simply preparing the condiment/spice/ingredient yourself. Plus you can make these things taste a hell of a lot better if you make them yourself — I’m looking at you chicken broth, blended seasonings, and canned + prepared canned foods.

•• There’s some traces of sweeteners in some sauces and seasonings that I still use because they’re fucking delicious.